It’s crazy to think Steve and I have almost been married 2 years
already! It has been a wonderful, challenging and exciting journey thus far!
Though there will always be obstacles to overcome, I am thankful I get to
experience this obstacle course we call life with my best friend and the
partner God has created for me.
We are blessed with great family and amazing friends to
encourage us along the way and we feel beyond blessed to be involved with a
great church with the privilege of being in a small group with a handful
of amazing friends.
Marriage is amazing, wonderful, and God created. However, in
reality, marriage can be incredibly hard even if you have found the
perfect match. (And the one I snatched is pretty darn great!) It takes a lot to
meld two lives—two different personalities, from two different backgrounds,
equipped with entirely different ways of dealing with conflict. So without
further adieu, here are a list of things that make marriage hard (but worth
it!).
1. Overcoming Expectations Based on Family
Experience. The relationships you observed and experienced your whole life
in your own family are likely very different from what your soon-to-be
spouse experienced. While Steve and I seemingly come from similar family
structures with strong foundations and strong marital influences, there
are a million things that make our families significantly different, and those
roots shaped us individually.
2. Settling into Roles. Getting comfortable
and settling into roles is GREAT with the roles that work for you as a couple.
He is the morning bird who is up before the sun making lunches while I get a
few more minutes of sleep. I walk the line of pessimism while he (the diehard
optimist) helps me see the silver lining.
However, settling into roles can be disappointing if certain
roles leave one or both partners wanting. She needs to vent; he thinks problems
feel smaller if you don’t dwell on them. She wants more sharing of household
work; he is spent from working all day! Once roles become comfortable and familiar,
it can take superhuman effort to change. (And if one spouse isn’t interested in
changing, that is another ballgame altogether.)
3. Forming Habits. I had an inkling about
this beforehand, but I’ve learned that even the smallest of your spouse’s habits
can get under your skin and fester if you let it. Marriage is as much about
choosing what habits you can live with as it is choosing which habits to ask
your spouse to work on. (And of course, we can’t forget confronting ourselves
about our own habits!)
4. Keeping Marriage Private vs. Needing a
Sounding Board. I was cautioned to keep marriage matters private. I heard things
like, “If you complain about your spouse to your friends or your mom, they’ll
think less of him, and you don’t want that.” And, “If you want to build your
husband up, you should never say anything bad about him.” There is truth in
these statements: Of course I want to build my husband up! And of course I
don’t want my friends or my mom to dislike him! BUT.. sometimes I need to talk
about my problems!! And while Steve and I can talk through just about anything,
sometimes, it’s just not healthy to talk about everything with him. Luckily, I
have been able to develop some awesome deep and meaningful friendships with a
few close friends. With these ladies, I am able to not only talk about things I’m
struggling with, but I am also able to help guide and encourage them as well!
It’s a win-win!
Sometimes it’s easy to feel alone while you sit around
brainwashing yourself to think that you must be doing something wrong and that
nobody else is facing the same dilemmas as you are. But having a solid
group of friends to turn to in times like this helps to give understanding and
encouragement to any situation. You’ll soon find that you are normal! Totally
imperfect, but normal! I know it’s hard to find friends like this, but when you
do, don’t ever let them go! You’ll feel so much lighter knowing you are
not alone in your marital struggles.
5. Accepting that Love Changes with Time. Although we have only
been married for close to 2 years, I love my husband differently—more
deeply—than the day we were married because we have been through some highs and
lows together. We have gone to sleep unhappy and trudged through days feeling
unconnected. But we forgive and reconnect and love each other more. It’s
not the shinny-new-penny type of love and euphoria that we shared on our
wedding day or when we were just dating, and I admit that every now and then I
miss that! But it is a richer love, because it is based on more shared
experience than it was the day we said “I do.”
6. Last but not least! God created marriage..
therefore, marriage should not be done without him! I believe when we put
God first in our marriage then everything else will fall into place, including
other priorities in our marriage. When we put God first in our marriage we are
more willing and able to be selfless, kind, and patient. It gives us a better
marriage, and helps us to become more like Him.
Putting God first in my marriage means praying together, reading
God’s word together and going to church together. It means that we pray about
our finances and any decisions that need to be made before we make them. It
means being selfless, because Christ was selfless when he died on the cross for
us. Now I will admit Steve and I do not do
these things all the time. I wish we did, but we are not perfect. I believe it
is something we need to strive for.
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